Hey remember when i had a blog?

OH YEAH!

i feel the need to revive this thing. its a source of creative expression, something i could REALLY use now a days.

what is wrong with me? ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

in order to feed my soul...

my next purchase, 2 weeks from today will be:

since i live in limited leg room, and very limited noise allowence.

currently

Things are weird, but i guess thats normal. no wait that sentance contradicts it's self. but yeah. its always weird. but i am not complaining. i think i like it. feeling more in control of my life these days. the new, second job is going great. i got a $50 bonus from the first week in a competition with the other girls who work part-time, came in numero uno in both categories. boo-ya. so yeah money is cool. this last weekend was incredibly empowering. quite fitting for "independence" day. thursday night was fun but yet more drama with matt happened, and i was in tears for a minute but being surrounded by so many people who love me and care about me genuinely brought me into a moment of clarity that has seemed to stick since then. told matt that i dont think i can be his girl bc he makes me cry too much. took the catalina express over that night after work. met up with katie, her mother, her mother's room mate betsy, and betsy's friend june. katie's mom, being a lesbian, is so tough that i love to be around her because complaining about my life's ridiculous drama never dares to enter my thoughts or actions. it was a blast. me and katie have been coming to catalina together since we were like 14 and now that we're 21 its the first time we could hit up the bar scene, me and katie are quite a dangerous combo. we had such a great time laughing and laughing at everything, including and especially eachother.

we slept upon her mother's gorgeous 40 ft. sailboat. took the dingy ashore to eat and shower at the yacht club. it was so amazing. me and katie would take the dingy to explore around the corner's of out of the cove of avalon and we saw so many sea lions and harbor seals!!!!! so fucking cute, i was dying and squeeling and talking to them. they truly are the puppies of the sea!! the weather was slightly overcast for usually it is very hot this time of year but i dont dare complain. the sun did come out! i did go in the water-accidentily. but yeah. it was amazing. oh so beautiful. i left the drama on the mainland, worked it out and bought my fares on catalina express so i could still work 9-5 fri and today. turned off my phone, and made myself happy. i feel like im getting a better grip on reality. doing things for myself, directly. not depending on someone else for feelings of fulfilment, and not getting angry at them when they fail to make me feel the way i expect. now that i have this second job, that i'm ruling at by the way, im going to buy a car. one that can actually go on a road trip. IM DONE CRYING OVER BOYS. for reals. that is so not who i want to be. i want to do amazing things, and be an amazing person. i could use some alone time. like a lot of it. la la la

sleep really not coming easily tonight. i tell you to live like andre and i is utterly emotionally draining and exhausting yet i can't sleep, and i do it anyways. ridiculous. this relationship is bad for me. matt is not a nice guy. he's a jerk. i'm not even attracted to jerks... what is wrong with me? i must shut him out. he will never respect me, it's him, not me. he really is one of those people who are "addicted to bad feelings"

summatime

JEWELRY

I am way obsessed lately. I want to learn how to make it.

I need to. Wanting to take a jewelry making class so bad next semseter but

I doubt i have the time. who knows. maybe ill figure it out some how.

SUPER inspired by these pieces by LITTER sf:

sigh............

identity crisis.

though i know the title is emo, i promise that the only thing staying true

to what has otherwise been my life going insane,

is that sarcasm rules. my life is fucking ridiculous.

and hopefully i won't lose the ability to make that judgement

about myself and find amusement.

ive been dreaming of joey a lot lately. maybe because its

almost his birthday. its been so long already. he doesnt even remember

meeting me on this day a year prior. (again with the ridiculous).

i was insane and in my insanity harbored an unrealistic

idealistic view about love and dating. theyre are not the same thing.

i didn't even give myself proper time to be alone

after losing my lover, who i was so in love with

and that was the biggest mistake.

i guess no time like the present. months ago i thought this summer

was going to bring me so many different things

but atleast its summer. atleast i have my family

atleast they arent that crazy.

the weather is warming, and i live in seal again.

i have alot of time, i know to get focused.

i've been so unfocused since matt.

not to mention, most men are complete assholes.

fuck. it's fucking ridiculous.

ridiculous.

:)

can't stop listening to

Last Weekend.

saturday,

was crazy.

the ignorant kenny hill's bday party

and then

campland in mission bay.

but only for 9 hours.

driving home to lb at sunrise.

getting in trouble like a teenager.

i swear, im only 14.

its starting to get ridiculous.

i am strictly moving forward from here on out.

for those of you behind me,

au revoir.

this reminds me of him

this feeling is so familiar

that its nostalgic

and annoying

and suprising

all at once.

restless to say the least

impossible for a quiet moment

of inner peace

bored to death

yet impossible to sit still.

he doesn't care

do i even care?

probably not,

definitely not as much as my ego does.

attraction becoming mild at best

beyond shallow compared

with the rest

i swear these people just like the sound

of their own voices.

and they're all afraid of being alone

in the dark,

even though they are bed hogs.

-Fabienne Chaloux

PROCRASTINATION

boys boys

boys boys i love you all

but really i just want to marry julian.

sigh, pant, sigh again.

Coachella was Amazing.

in need of a cleanse.

new room in an old house.

must stay positive.

cant let the haters get to me.

i wont!

so im in need of some new inspiration:

panda

i've never felt so conflicted before. especially when it comes to love.

i generally know how i feel about the subject. you may even say i love it.

it can come on so fast, and leave just like that.

im not really sure what i should do. embrace new love?

it's sort of a do or die concept to me. when it comes at you,

you can either take it and run with it, or reject it.

i don't think it works to put it on hold. but what the fuck do i know?

i miss joey, i am always missing him.

but i have to remember, he chose to leave me. twice really.

and i do know that isn't the type of love i'm looking for.

still though. nobody knows how much i miss you.

you are so beautiful, in every way.

to me, you are perfect. its just too bad you couldn't feel the same way.

where is your kitten?